Gratitude

Today I ran into a familiar face. I’m really good with faces. If I meet you once, I will recognize you if I see you in the future. I may not remember your name, but I’ll remember your face. And I may or may not stare at you until I remember where I know you from.

I stopped dead in my tracks today when I saw her face. I knew she was someone important. I searched my memory trying to place her. It took about 5 seconds before I realized that she was the first nurse on shift when I checked in at Orange Park Medical Center to deliver Porter. She only had about 2 hours left when Steven and I arrived, but her charisma and energy were memorable, she had Steven and I laughing hysterically and we even made a connection – she recognized my last name and realized that her daughter was a former student of mine at Florida Virtual School. She also assisted with Porter’s delivery, she wasn’t the nurse assigned to me for that shift, but I remember her coming in and assisting. Her hair was up in a pony-tail instead of down like the night I checked in and she was not in scrubs, but I knew it was her. I politely interrupted her and her husband by calling her name. She turned to look at me, and she quickly lit up with a smile. She remembered me… Hugs and smiles.

She told her husband, “This is the girl I told you about that was giving us such a hard time.” I smiled and said, “I don’t know what you are talking about, I was the coolest patient ever! Y’all know you loved me.” And they did. Despite the circumstances, Steven and I were pretty cool with all the nurses, they liked us. Her husband replied, “Yeah, I think she is referring to the fact that you weren’t ‘all there’ during delivery.” True. I guess I wasn’t completely present. I mean, I thought I was, I didn’t really know anything went wrong until after I was informed of what happened. Time seemed to magically elapse; I guess I really wasn’t there. 

[When Steven returned from work today, I told him about my encounter and how I must be known as “the girl with the blood/platelet problems”. He quickly replied, “That’s better than being known as the ‘dead girl’”. Touche.]

Anyways… back to reason I was blogging, besides the obvious recanting of memories 4 weeks old that I’m trying to not to dwell on, but rather be uplifted by. The conversation with the nurse continued. I asked her if she had received my Thank You card. She had. She expressed her appreciation for the card. I conveyed to her that I wanted her and the other 3 nurses to know how much I appreciated them and all they did. Steven refers to them as the “A-Team”. We were truly blessed with the best group of nurses. She continued to tell me that she was talking to her manager about how much it meant to each of those nurses to receive personal notes of kindness and praise.

Our encounter has kept me pondering all day. Too often, we remember to complain. We are quick to get a manager and grumble about poor service. We want our voice and opinion heard about the negative, but what about the positive? Why is the positive so quickly forgotten? Steven and I wrote Thank You cards about the individual service that we received from each of our 4 Labor and Delivery nurses. We know them by name and the order that each of them was assigned to us; I can still see their faces. In our eyes, they were gifts from God and we wanted to them to know it. We wanted them to know how valuable they were to us. May we all remember to thank those who touch our hearts and our lives. Don’t assume that people know you are grateful. Make sure they know. Tell them. Thank them. 

 

I am thankful every day to be here to be his mommy.

And to be here with my favorite people in the world.

Such sweet miracles.

And I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for them.

Quiet Home

Life is quiet now. Very quiet. Like "crickets chirping" quiet.  And honestly, its been rather nice. We have adjusted to our new routine. 6:45 – I wake up, shower, snuggle/feed Porter. 7:00 – I wake up the boys/eat/get dressed. And then, as long as things go smoothly (which they have thus far…knock on wood... its only been 2 days), I have plenty of time to do some quick chores – dishes, laundry, vacuum, and then we leave the house at 8:15 and drop Landon off at 8:30. School starts at 9. Whew! Morning Routine complete!

Now that Landon is in school, it’s all about the little men in my life. 

Porter is two weeks old and pretty low maintenance right now. He only requires milk and snuggles, both of which I love to give him! I often find myself just staring at him. Beautiful. Perfect. He is just the sweetest thing. I love to kiss his baby feet and let him wrap his little hands around my finger. Seriously, I could hold him ALL day long and not feel bad about it.

Kaison, on the other hand, requires a little more from me. He is enjoying being the biggest kid in the house, and loves to plan our next move! We are enjoying Learning Time geared towards him. I managed to create a Learning Log for him with the skills that I want him to have mastered this year. He has always done whatever Landon has done, and it has served him well intellectually, but it is really nice to take a step back and focus specifically on his 3 year old needs and then enrich him with a challenge! He amazes me every day with his knowledge. I constantly find myself telling Steven, "He shouldn't be able to do that", but yet, there he is! His newest thing is to grab a piece of paper and a pen, crayon, marker, whatever he can get his hands on and write his name. Seriously! The "s" looks like a "B" but whatever, he is 3 and every other letter is completely legible! I hope he keeps this passion for learning. We started the “Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Lessons” yesterday. Should be interesting… 

Here is Kaison working on Math/Shapes:

My silly Kaison has been interested in taking pictures lately. I've been able to bribe him for a good picture by telling him he can take a silly picture after he takes a good one!

  

Pretty Picture

 Funny Picture

I am feeling very relaxed. I've been on Maternity Leave since August 1st and I am finally starting to feel like myself again health wise. I no longer have to see 3 specialists a week and I'm down to only being poked every Monday to monitor my blood, my veins appreciate that. I am enjoying the peace, quiet, snuggles, and family time without the pressure of having to dash to the phone for an incoming work call or the necessity of scheduling time to sit down and grade student work. Somehow, I know that 12 weeks leave will not be enough. :(

I received a call from the doctor today that my blood counts are rising. Definitely a good thing, still trying to ween myself off of the steroids. With levels rising, I get to take less medications until I'm completely off. Platelets at 77 and Hemaglobin at 11.6. My blood levels will never be normal, but at least I'm no longer in a dangerous place. Life is good. Trying to make each moment count.

Kindergarten

1^st Day of School. No tears. I mean, my eyes watered a bit when Landon got to the entrance to the school, turned around to smile and wave at Steven and I, but that’s it. No water works. I was actually surprised I didn’t cry. I’m a post partum, hormonal, emotional wrecking ball, and NOTHING... Nada... I’m not sure why. 

The night before, Steven gave him a “Back to School” Blessing. Landon was smiling ear to ear.  He loved that he was a big boy and would be going to school. I loved it too. He is an amazing little boy and I am PROUD to be his momma! We are excited to start this new chapter in our lives! I just can't believe we have a child old enough to be in school!

BACK TO SCHOOL Interview

Best Friend(s): Kaison & Porter

Favorite color(s): Blue & Green

When I grow up, I want to be: A Police Officer

Favorite Snack: Scooby Doo Gummy Snacks

Favorite Cereal: Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Favorite Book: Bob Books  (really? Nerd)

Favorite Holiday: Christmas

Favorite Food: Chicken Noodle Soup  (seriously, no… I can’t even remember the last time we had this)

Least Favorite Food: Rice Krispie Treats  (Dude, what’s wrong with you?! Best food ever!)

Favorite Game(s): Memory Game & Zingo  (Thanks Aunt Amber!)

Favorite Summer Memory: Playing Dad’s Tablet  (umm... yeah… pretty much the worst summer ever. Sorry I was sick, kiddo, I really did want to do fun things with you before Porter arrived)

3 Words that Describe Me: Human, Funny, and Sweet 

Delivering Porter

Pregnancy should be a happy time. It should be a time where you envision your child and dream for their future. But for me, pregnancy was a fight; my blood was battling itself, destroying platelets and hemoglobin, things important for sustaining good health. We made the decision to get a hematologist on board early in the pregnancy to monitor my levels and provide care and treatment if needed. Around 32 weeks pregnant, my levels took a dive for the worse, my platelets were in the danger zone (less than 50 thousand) and my hemoglobin (red blood cells) was at 7 (I was informed that if it hit 6, the baby would need to be taken out immediately and placed in the NICU). My body could not sustain our third child. Immediately, I was placed on a round of steroid treatments and given orders to see the ROC team and to see a physician instead of the midwife who I had known for about 8 years. My heart wept inside because the summer that I planned to spend with my older children had been torn away from me. I was sick, I was hurting, and I was stressed. All I wanted was to be able to make each moment count before delivery so that they would know that I loved them with all my heart. 

At around 36 weeks, the doctors decided that my body was not responding to the steroid treatment and that we needed to go ahead and try an IVIG treatment, wait a few days for my body to respond, and then induce labor around 38 weeks. On Monday, July 28^th, and Tuesday, July 29^th, I underwent the IVIG treatments, lasting 12 hours total. I returned to the doctor for labs on Thursday, July 31^st hopeful and optimistic that my treatment plan had worked and that both my platelets and hemoglobin levels would have risen enough for me to have a safer delivery. Much to everyone’s dismay, my platelet levels had tanked lower than they had ever been before – in the 30s. These numbers increased the risk of internal bleeding/hemorrhaging and blood loss. The hematologist immediately sent me across the street to the physician with direct orders to pull the plug on the pregnancy, that if we waited any longer, my levels would continue to plummet and create an even worse delivery scenario for me.

I sat in the van crying by myself for a good 30 minutes. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing anyone could do. I went inside and waited for the doctor to see me. While in a room waiting to be seen, I could hear him on the phone in the other room counseling with other doctors – the ROC team, the hematologist, maternal fetal medicine, Orange Park Labor and Delivery, etc. He had made the decision to start the induction that day. I was not ready. I needed one more day with my husband and kids.

My mom and I had a heart to heart before I left for the hospital about my fears and concerns about delivery. This was not going to be a regular delivery, the risks were great, and though I had had several blessings and prayer requests on my behalf, we didn’t know if things would be ok on this side of the veil, or the next. We knew, through prayer, that this third child was supposed to come to our family, but we didn’t know if it was Heavenly Father’s plan to remove me from the picture. Knowing that my fears and concerns were quite real, my mother gently asked if I needed a journal to record some last thoughts for them. As I look back on that moment, and I can see the pain in her eyes as she asked me to do that. What mother wants to think that this may the last time she sees her own child?  What a painful and emotional day of goodbyes and wishes of a healthy delivery.

As I packed to go to the hospital after lunch, I looked at my children and wondered if this would be the last time I would see them. I wanted to inch closer to them and sneak in as many snuggles as I could before and during nap. Grandma had made a Dinosaur Cave out of their bunk beds. I quietly moved the blanket doors over and asked Grandma if I could have some time with them. She carefully and quietly left the room so that I could be with them.  As I lay beside them, I reminded them how much I loved them and that they would always be in my heart. I vaguely remember Landon asking me when I would be coming home, and my heart sank because I didn’t know when or if I would. It was more than I could bare. 

As we arrived at the hospital and were directed to our room, I lost it. I was overcome with fear and panic and immediately had a meltdown. I did not want to be there. I wanted to go home, but I knew that it would be delaying the inevitable. As they hooked me up to the monitors, they found that the baby’s heart rate was racing and they immediately hooked me up to oxygen for an hour as they started the blood and platelet transfusions. I was also given 2 pills, one at 6pm and another at midnight, to help prepare my body for the Pitocin. It was a long, hard sleepless night of tossing and turning.

At 8am, I was a strong 4 cm dilated. Dr Edelenbos was content with the progress made through the pills and said that I was ready to go on Pitocin and have my water broken. I knew it was officially time for it to get real. I joked with Dr Edelenbos that I wanted this baby to be here around noon. He smiled at my optimism, but I had carefully calculated the numbers of 1 cm per hour on Pitocin up to 7 cm, and that 8, 9, 10 could just be in the same hour. I had even calculated that I would ask for a small dose of pain meds through my IV around 10 am if things progressed as planned.  Around 11, we knew we were getting close. Steven and I said one last prayer together at around 11:45 and as soon as the prayer was over, I felt that it was time. Steven immediately paged the nurse who quickly confirmed that I was right. Nurses were rushing all around and all I could think about was how Dr Edelenbos was going to be late and that someone else would have to catch the baby. I told him noon. I told him. People should listen to me.

Delivery was delivery. Everyone has to push, everyone feels pain. I was determined to make this delivery quick so that it didn’t linger on forever. I didn’t have an epidural, so I just wanted him out like every other mother delivering naturally. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and know that the pain was over and I could go home to my family, but that’s not what happened.

I pushed twice, out he came. I was immediately relieved and sent Steven to get pictures of the baby. Yes, that was one of my first thoughts, but only because I had NO pictures of Kaison after delivery and I felt horrible about it. Steven had instructions to leave my side and get pictures of them weighing him and all that business. Anyone who knows me, knows I like pictures. 

Steven was only away from my side a few minutes when things started getting intense. The doctor was still with me, the nurses were surrounding me, I was panicking. I kept asking to see my child, but they wouldn’t bring him to me. They were holding me down and I didn’t know why. Steven had to put the camera down and come back to my side to try to comfort and soothe me because I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t listening because I wanted to see my baby and needed them to bring him to me. Didn’t they know that’s all I wanted? The nurses were trying to get me to calm down as the doctor had me push out the placenta, and I did, but he remained there. Why would he not leave me alone? My mind was racing, I was shaking, I was exhausted, and I just wanted to hold my baby. I then heard him tell the nurse to “take the baby to the nursery”. WHAT!? No! A nurse brought him by my face so that I could get a quick glimpse of him. I vaguely remember kissing his head, but then he was gone. The nurses were still rushing around in the room, the doctor was still there reminding me to stay calm and giving the nurses orders of things to put in my IV. My head was spinning, I couldn’t keep up, it was a blur for a while. I just wanted to hold my child. It seemed like an hour before most everyone had vacated the room. I found that I was hooked up to two more units of blood and another bag of platelets. They wouldn’t let me move from the bed. And the baby still wasn’t there. After the chaos died down, the nurse explained that I had lost too much blood and that they were still monitoring my blood loss, and that I had to remain OR (operating room) ready. I almost died. I almost left my family.

After the nurse left our room, Steven and I thanked Heavenly Father for blessing us. We had to wait 3 hours for them to return with the baby. We hadn’t even named him yet because we wanted to see him. When they finally wheeled his baby cart into the room, I burst with tears of joy. I was so grateful to be able to be with him. I would get to be his mother. I would get to raise him. I was a part of Heavenly Father’s plan for his upbringing. He was perfect. As I held him in my arms for the first time, my heart swelled. It didn’t matter that I was still hooked up to blood and platelet transfusions, it didn’t matter that I felt ill. All that mattered was that he was here, I was here, and I would continue to be here for my husband and two other children. It was a long and emotional delivery, but I was alive. 

It’s amazing what you think about after you have a near death experience. You think about your dreams, your goals, and your family. You think about your shortcomings. You think about how you want to be better.  

I personally want to make each moment count. I want to be positive and focus on my blessings. I have a loving Father in Heaven who has blessed me with a loving husband and 3 beautiful children. I have friends and family who love me. I am rich, not with monetary things, but with things that count. I have a loving Savior, Jesus Christ, that made it possible for me to start fresh each day, trying to be better than the day before. It does not get any better than this.

Meet Porter Clark Epperson born August 1, 2014 at 12:07 PM, 8 pounds 13 ounces, 21 inches long. I get to be his mommy. What a blessing.